Really?!

 

Few people realize how much business our Presidential campaigns generate for physical therapists. Every four years millions of Americans experience forehead strains as their eyebrows shoot up and down as they exclaim, “Really?” in response to comments from candidates.

American’s concerns about these physical ailments will be alleviated once I explain to you what these political figures Really mean and represent.

For example, George Bush Senior said, “Read my lips: no new taxes” at the 1998 Republican National Convention as he accepted the nomination. Many people asked “Really?”

What people didn’t realize was that he meant was, When my son is elected President he will not introduce new taxes. “Really!”

People all across America said, “Really?” when Bill Clinton said, “I did not have sex with that woman.” What he meant was, I did not have sex with Hillary once Chelsea was conceived.

In his first election, George Bush won as a result of a close count in Florida. As many eyebrows went up, many observers thought an awful lot of dandruff was drifting down but most of the particles falling were chad (often mistaken for scalp flakes).

“He won? Really?” they asked the Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court ruled that the election was clearly won in Florida by George. What they meant was that it was George will clearly win in Ohio in the next election.

In the current election, many eyebrows are going up in regard to descriptions of candidates’ identities and values.

For example, many people are excited at the opportunity to elect the first African-American President.

Inevitably the question arises: Is Obama Really black? Well, Barak Obama, is partly black. This is considered good enough for government work.

In a similar vein, many people are excited about the opportunity to elect the first female President.

Inevitably, a similar question arises: is Hillary Really a woman? Hillary Clinton is a cyborg woman. This also is considered good enough for government work.

Hillary and Barak found themselves in some conflict in regard to racial politics. However, like a quarreling old married couple making up in front of the kids, the two candidates made up in public in front of the voters. As they are still married to others, it’s probably not appropriate for them to wed, but a ticket combining the Clintons’ experience for President and co-President and Barak’s youthful eagerness to bring Change might create not only the first troika Presidency but hold the White House in Democrat hands for 16 years.

Although John Edwards’ candidacy seems to be fading a bit, many people are moved by his ‘two Americas” rhetoric and his advocacy for the poor. However, when people ask Really how can a man who lives in a mansion be a populist? John Edwards means Poor people are very popular with me. They have a lot more votes than my rich neighbors not to mention the rich insurance companies I used to stick for so many dollars in my malpractice suit days.

There are also interesting questions in regard to the Republican candidates. For example, Rudolph Giuliani is big on family values. When voters ask “Really?” Giuliani means That is why I have had so many families.

John McCain is a war hero and former prisoner of war. However, when people ask Really why he is supporting the current administration in Iraq, McCain means I am still a prisoner of war.

Mike Huckabee is an evangelical Christian, a Baptist minister, in fact. Most evangelical Christians consider themselves to be conservatives, politically, so many among what might be considered his natural constituency mutter “Really?” when they hear about him spending tax dollars when he was governor of Arkansas or expressing sympathy for illegal immigrants, though they are reassured when he holds the line on evolution. Huckabee considers it a miracle that he can straddle such contradictory values, not to mention mount a serious campaign with little money and little expectation that he could compete nationally.

Speaking of straddling and miracles, it’s sort of a miracle that Mitt Romney, member of a religion that was considered a cult 150 years ago, can say with a straight face that he is Really a Christian even though some evangelicals say Mormons are the spawn of Satan.

Romney means Satan’s not heavy, he’s a brother

It’s kind of like a song.

For that matter, are we ready to elect someone named “Mitt” as our President? Well, it would be better than “Willard.” Really!

 

Of course, there was a movie named Willard. You don’t want to go there.

Then there’s the television star Fred Thompson. The knock on him is that he is lazy. “Really?”asks Thompson. It’s the lazy reporters talking about themselves some argue.

It certainly seems possible that all eight of the political candidates I have described will tear each apart with such enthusiasm and skill that none of them will be left intact enough to elect. On the other hand, any of them might make a fine Vice-Presidential candidate.

In the meantime, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has been lurking in the bushes in Central Park, lambasting Washington, demanding attention to infrastructure, and “… quietly polling and analyzing voting trends in every state as he contemplates launching a campaign.”

Bloomberg is a billionaire who has run big companies and presided over fractious New York City with considerable skill. Many large corporations have many Vice Presidents. In these difficult times, perhaps it’s time for a President with eight Vice-Presidents.

On yet another hand, one commentator argues that Bloomberg can’t possibly win.

However, the Washington Post comments that Bloomberg’s actions raise political eyebrows.

I think that’s where I came in.