2E Proceedings of the Royal Preschool Academy of Arts and Sciences
June 16, 2007
As chairman, I am pleased to introduce our guest speaker, the renowned Renaissance Woman, Random Granddaughter. She will tell us about her latest scientific research and artistic endeavors.
Thank you, thank you. It is a great privilege to address you again.
Let me begin by talking about basic concepts of artistic endeavor.
Some artists are product-oriented. I sometimes work in this mode. As you can see from the slide I am projecting, I painted the following water color of my canoe trip with my Mommies. In so doing, I created a product that I could give to my grandparents.
Providing grandparents with a product creates an effect I call goo-gah. Goo-gah grandparents are likely to spoil you. [Thunderous applause.]
My grandfather, who is usually as dumb as a brick, did notice that I am twice as large as my Mommies in the picture. He observed, “It is only an unfortunate accident of nature that preschoolers are smaller than adults. If there were any justice in the world, preschoolers would be as big as adults are now and adults would be as small as preschoolers are now.” [Thunderous applause.]
Occasionally, Grandpa does get a clue, though it’s not often.
However, many artists are process oriented. For example, one of Mama’s favorite artists is named Andrew Goldsworthy.
As you can now see projected on the wall is a web page about Mr. Goldsworthy. He makes artistic creations out of natural objects.
His artistic creations exist for only a brief time and should be enjoyed for the moment.
This is known as an artistic convention. By limiting your materials you sometimes create greater effects.
In my early stage, I worked in watercolor in water. I swirled a brush with water color in water. The colors swirled and changed, as I am demonstrating before you on my lectern. Each color lasted for a moment and then was replaced by another. It was purely to be enjoyed for the eph…ephe…ephemer…ephemeral moment. There, I knew I could say it.
Recently, I began my pebble period. My current convention involves throwing pebbles in water and watching the splashes. Also, Grandma, who is more practical than Grandpa, showed me how to make a pebble skip. I can throw pebbles for hours. I achieve a deeply meditative state as I watch how they splash. [Thunderous applause.]
As a sensible preschooler, I have been combining my artistic work with pebbles with my scientific research in pebble throwing.. For example, I have been studying duck nutrition. I can now offer with great certainty the scientific principle: Ducks do not eat pebbles.
Also, I have been studying ballistics to determine how close I can throw a pebble to a duck without actually striking the duck. My conclusion is: very close. Please note, when you embark on scientific research, it is important to use precise measurements.
In addition, I have been studying, psychology. My research has been on the topic, how close can I throw a pebble near a duck without provoking my Mommies into a meldown? My conclusion is: Very close but not as close as I can get without actually hitting the duck. [Thunderous applause.]
Also, I have discovered that this activity produces better results if one varies one’s pebble tosses, sometimes getting closer to the ducks and then farther from the ducks. My Mama is studying something called calculus. I doubt that calculus serves any useful purpose, but pre-schoolers can engage in calculation to determine how much they can get away with. [Thunderous applause.]