8A The Court of Immaturity and Self-Destruction, Oregon Jurisdiction

January 15, 2008

Bailiff: Oyez, oyez! The court will come to order!

Judge: Please be seated. We are gathered today for a hearing in the case of David Rochester. He has been accused of a serious parole violation.

I have been reviewing the records on this case. As a child, David was sentenced to a life of misery, suffering, abuse, and general shittiness, ending in self-destruction.

For quite a while, his life proceeded as directed. However, a few years ago, he decided to complete his sentence by ending his life. However, instead of doing so, he was interrupted by an accidental arrival, perhaps a visitor from Porlock.

For that offense, he has been placed on parole. However, the Prosecutor has informed the Court of serious Parole violations.

Counsel: please make our opening statements. Keep them brief.

Defense Attorney: My client asserts that he has carried on a life of almost complete misery and degradation.

Prosecutor: We have found evidence of very serious efforts to undermine the authority of the Court.

Judge: Present your arguments. As this is only a hearing (and the author is not a real lawyer) we will not follow any real legal procedures. As I said, be brief. The rest of my golf partners are waiting for me to rule so we can play a round.

Defense Attorney: I will point out that he hates his father and has often wished that his father would die.

Judge: Clearly a point in his favor.

Prosecutor: However, he loves his mother dearly and is very kind to her.

Judge: That is difficult to overlook, I admit.

Defense Attorney: He has been involved in a number of relationships with women, bringing great pain to his partners and to himself. He often engages in senseless outbursts of irritation and rage against his lovers and friends.

When he was in high school he demonstrated some skill at public performance, but he fell into absolutely dreadful stage fright which makes it a terrible ordeal for him to talk to other people and perform the simplest public tasks in his job which involves sales and customer service.

He attended a fine small college where his academic career fell apart completely. He loves music and dreamed of being a fine performer, but he discovered that his talents do not live up to his aspirations.

Prosecutor: However, at college he met a friend soul mate, Josh, with whom he maintains a strong bond even today, even with great geographical separation. Also, he is a very intelligent person.

Defense Attorney: I object!

Judge: Objection sustained. Counsel will refrain from using such language.

Prosecutor: Defendant maintains a relationship with his cats. I call them as witnesses.

Bailiff: Little Liu will approach the stand and take the oath.

[Court dissolves in confusion.]

Judge: Order! Order! [Throws gavel at Little Liu]

Judge: The proceeding sequence will be stricken from the record. Counsel for the Prosecution—this did not help your case. Any further displays such as this and you will be held in contempt. For that matter, I have held you in contempt since the very first time you appeared in this court.

Prosecutor: Over the past few months his blog has demonstrated a considerable improvement. He has switched from an arch and wry persona of self-mockery to a serious and straightforward manner of discourse. I introduce his blog into the record as evidence.

Defense Attorney: His first blog host ate the first year and a half of his blogging. It can’t be introduced into evidence. From the defendant’s deposition:

I’m interested by your having seen such a change in me since I started blogging; I don’t see it myself, but then, I wouldn’t be likely to. Since Blogsource ate my first year and a half of blogging, I can’t really observe it at first hand anymore, so I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.

Prosecutor: I suppose the dog ate his homework, also!

Judge [pounding gavel]: Counsel—I warned you about such outbursts!

Prosecutor [gaining control of self]: I’m sorry, your Dishonor. Seriously, though, I maintain this is deliberate destruction of vital evidence.

Judge: And a fine example, if it were true. However, sometimes an accident is just an accident. Counsel, please present your closing arguments and make them quick. I have a round of golf to play.

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, I assert that my defendant is a worthless mess. He has been a mess as a child and he is a mess as an adult. I rest my case.

Prosecutor: Your honor, I assert that the defendant is showing signs of growing up. I admit that growing up at age of thirty-something is a very unusual behavior, but I will introduce myself into evidence. I am growing up at the age of 63—I have reached the age 13 in emotional maturity. Growing up is a very painful process—as I recently described in my blog, my granddaughter, aged three, spent her Christmas dinner quietly sobbing because she was ordered to taste a meatball. I rest my case because it is very weary.

Judge: Despite the Prosecutor’s obnoxious behavior he makes a strong case. The problem the court faces is deciding how to punish the Defendant. It is difficult for the court to figure out any way to punish him more than he punishes himself. However, he will think of something.

 

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6 Responses to “8A The Court of Immaturity and Self-Destruction, Oregon Jurisdiction”


  1. 1) I should have learned by now not to read your blog while drinking coffee, although it has occurred to me that possibly the repeated hot caffeine lavage might have been partly responsible for the improvement of my sinus troubles.

    2) First rule of legal deposition: Never call a weasel as a witness.

    3) I suppose growing up late is better than never at all.

    4) I’m not sure that even I think I’m quite as bad as that Defense Attorney thinks I am. Clearly he’s doing this pro bono.

  2. Ela Says:

    you both must be related
    🙂

  3. modestypress Says:

    1) I will have to figure out a marketing strategy. Let’s see: COFFEE UP YOUR NOSE–BETTER THAN SNOT!

    2) My daughter was about ten. We were living in Portland. I took her to see a children’s theatre production of Wind in the Willows, one of the great works of children’s literature. The play adaption was very good. Any great story needs great villains: Sauron and the orcs in Lord of the Rings or Voldemort and Malfoy in Harry Potter. One of the best Portland actresses of that time played the Chief Weasel who led the band of weasels, ferrets, and stoats who took over Toad Hall with remarkable over-the-top melodramatic hyperbolic wickedness. My daughter (a very good child) was absolutely delighted by the weasels in the play. All good children need wicked villains in their literature.

    3. Get on it or the judge will send you to Oberlin for a rerun.

    4. By and large defendants in capital punishment cases get very poor legal representation. From an article on this topic:

    Now Warren King sits on death row in Georgia, one of many inmates whose lawyers, at the crucial point when jurors decide between life and death after conviction, made only feeble, incomplete or tragically laughable efforts to defend them.

    http://www.mcclatchydc.com/201/story/15394.html

    I am just being realistic in portraying your incompetent pro bono attorney. You deserve no more.


  4. Poor Warren King. Maybe someone should send him a weasel.

  5. modestypress Says:

    Although at various times our nation has used firing squads, hanging, electric chairs, and most recently lethal injections as a method of capital punishment, there are now objections to lethal injections as being perhaps an inhumane method of capital punishment. (“Humane capital punishment” gets on the fast track to inclusion on the top ten oxymorons of all time.)

    Perhaps we can initiate death by weasel? You can rent out your weasel? She can be happily occupied with a new game, and you can pick up some nice change in the process.

  6. elissakaren Says:

    Oh. My. God!!! This was dazzling, flawless, hysterically funny, just unbelievably great.


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