New Olympic Events

April 11, 2008

The International Olympic Committee has announced several new events for the 2008 summer Olympics. These include:

Put Out the Flame. In this combination of individual and team sports, a marathon runner carries a flame. His “relay” team runs with him. The opposing relay team runs alongside and tries to break through the cordon of defenders so the opposing marathon runner can grab the torch and douse it. The Chinese team is expected to do very well for the Defenders side as they have been practicing very intensively. On the Attackers side, the British, French, and American teams show promise.

Exterminate the Villagers. In this team event, a team seeks to wipe out a group of innocent villagers. The Janjaweed team are considered the favorites. However, there are other strong contenders, including the German team, the Japanese team, the Serbian team, the Rwandan team, the Cambodian team, and the Turkish team, though most observers consider these teams as rusty and long past their prime. Sri Lanka will provide dual teams.

The Arab countries are demanding that the Israelis include a team, while Israel insists they are not qualified.

This year the “villagers” will be supplied from Sudan and Tibet, if there are any villagers left in these locations by the time the games start. As a backup, Olympic authorities are considering bringing villagers in from Kashmir or Kosovo as backup participants.

Suicide Bombing. In this individual sport, a competitor with explosives strapped to his or her body tries to “take out” the maximum number of spectators in the stands. This will be the first Olympic sport where men and women compete on an equal basis. There are no returning favorites, so it’s hard to handicap the competitors (though the Olympic guards will be striving to do so), but both the Palestinian and Iraqi entries demonstrate a lot of promise, or maybe lack of promise. The Sri Lankan entries are considered dark horse candidates.

Boycott the Olympics. This competition was dropped from the Olympics after so many athletes felt deprived during the boycotts of the 1980 and 1984 summer Olympics in Moscow and Los Angeles.

In the revised event, all athletes will be encouraged to attend and compete, but spectators from most countries will boycott the competition. Athletes, however, will not be deprived, as the Chinese government is expected to fill the stands with spectators. (China is not particularly short of obedient spectators.)

In past Olympics, there have been many controversies about “doping” of athletes with substances such as steroids and human growth hormones. However, there are no prohibitions against doping spectators, and the Chinese government is expected to provide a variety of substances to their spectators, including steroids so they can cheer vigorously and tranquilizers so they will be obedient in cheering only for Chinese athletes. In fact, unconfirmed reports indicate that Chinese authorities have been heard referring to their spectators as the “dopes,” though this may only be a rumor. Speaking of which, the Olympic Committee is considering allowing rumor-mongering as an Olympic sport, but at press time this report could not be confirmed.

4 Responses to “New Olympic Events”

  1. pandemonic Says:

    Great job. I especially liked “Running Through a Mob With a Torch” because it can’t be done.

  2. Stevo Says:

    Funny, I don’t remember anyone protesting Australia’s treatment of the Aborigines during the Sydney torch relay. If America was holding the Olympics would there be attempts to put out the torch because of Bush’s homicidal foreign policy? Before the upcoming London Olympics will protesters attempt to snuff out the torch in the name of Africa (and the rest of the world), subjugated by British imperialism?

    No, because those victims don’t have a photogenic spokesperson, and are not the flavor of the moment to brainless college students.

  3. I have to wonder why we even bother having the Olympics anymore. If it’s not the scandal of the steroid-pumping runners, it’s the scandal of the anorexic gymnasts. And more to the point … who the hell even cares?

    Hmmmmm. I’m getting the idea that I might be in a bad mood. Are you getting that idea?

  4. modestypress Says:

    1) Much romantic nostalgia is promulgated about the original Olympics of ancient Greece. They were violent and corrupt; not much noble about them.

    2) The modern Olympics carry on those repulsive traditions. Steve’s and David’s grumpy comments are spot on. David, you are allowed to use my blog for bad mood comments at any time.

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