Really Stupid Person’s Cookbook Company

July 4, 2008

Several comments on several posts make me think of starting a cookbook publishing company.

Similar to an earlier series of posts (see May 2007 posts), I think that every possible cookbook must have been already published.

However, as a stupid person, I can penetrate to depths other people can hardly imagine.

In fact, my publishing company will be known as the Really Stupid Person’s Cookbook Company. We will have several divisions, to serve a variety of tastes. The flagship marquee will present the World’s Worst Cook series, for I am quite qualified. In this series you will find the Burn Your Pans Cookbook, Set Your Kitchen on Fire Cookbook, Never Prepare More than One Thing at a Time Cookbook and so on.

Pandemonic and Random Granddaughter can pair up to head the Civilized Food Division, starting with the Segregation Cookbook: Never Mix Your Foods Inappropriately. They will also create the Berries Provide All the Nutrition You Ever Need Guidebook to Healthy Eating.

Pandemonic, a woman of many talents, will also head the Cooking, Home Decorating, and Tailoring All in One Division. As David Rochester cogently observed:

Pandemonic’s comment cracked me up. Apparently “eat it or wear it” was the motto for that particular marriage.

Vroni will head the Stone Soup Division, beginning with her delightful Something from Nothing Cookbook. While I found a couple of web sites claiming to offer anorexic recipes, I found practically nothing to eat there. Do they want us to starve to death? What’s that all about?

We will quickly remedy that problem with our two- in-one Anorexia/Bulimia Diet Cookbook, which comes in a handy pocket/purse/fanny pack slim edition. This will give you something of substance to chew on. It’s as edible as cellulose, so in a pinch you can chew on it.

Our Cooking on the Go Division offers such instant classics as Wave as You Microwave in Your Car and Smuggling Food onto Airlines.

Some cookbook traditions have not been kept up to date. Classics of the past such as the The Anarchist Handbook, Poisoner’s Handbook, Cannibal’s Cookbook, and Mafia Cookbook, are difficult to get your hands on and sadly out of date out of date if you do, with few if any actual usable recipes. Our new Criminal Cooking Division will offer useful new, well-tested guides such as 1001 Ways to Poison a Spouse, Cooking for a Terrorist Cell, and Pack a School Lunch the Little Darlings Will Never Remember.

Please eat this message.


8 Responses to “Really Stupid Person’s Cookbook Company”

  1. I literally laughed out loud at the final paragraph.

    What I’d really like to see is a “quick meals to go” cookbook for suicide bombers … something they can toast over a flaming fuse.

  2. truce Says:

    Many of my colleagues swap recipes. Today, Small Martial Arts Girl was passing out copies of her recipe for rhubarb jam. I obediently took mine, thanked her, and folded it away into my bag. I’ll take it home and put it in the pile with the others. The pile headed “Never To Be Disturbed Pieces of Paper Which Will Gather Dust For Millennia”.

  3. modestypress Says:

    David and truce,

    Welcome to the Sandwich Club.

    David heads the <b<Terrorist Division which also publishes the Nightmare Cookbook and truce runs the Fruitcake Division, which never goes out of print.

  4. spectrum2 Says:

    I can be your sous chef while on the steroids, but today is my last day. Tomorrow I will most likely bottom out. Tonight and last night, though, I was a grilling diva. So, you’ll have to keep me sick in order for me to be of use to you. And another thing is I don’t really like recipe books, but I do own some with good intentions. I cook as some play the piano, by ear (or nose and mouth to be more exact). A clever post, no doubt, Mr. R. You left out, though, your most popular female cookbook the “Cookbook that Doesn’t Make Your Butt Look Big” complementary with a fun house mirror that will shrink any posterior.

  5. pandemonic Says:

    Oh, my. This was soooo funny. I especially liked the Cannibal’s Cookbook.” When I first read it, I saw “Cannibis” but obviously I have my head in some other era.

    I’d love to write a cookbook with RG. A word of warning, any cookbook I’m responsible for will likely add 20 pounds to your waistline.

  6. Pauline Says:

    I would love someone to write a cookbook on “What to cook when you get home from work and your son greets you with What’s for dinner and you don’t feel like cooking but can’t afford to eat out.” Needs to be appealing to kids and reasonably healthy. And thrifty.

    I’m pretty sure that’s impossible. You can have easy and healthy (but expensive – using premade healthy foods), easy and inexpensive (but unheathy – using premade unheathy foods), or healthy and inexpensive (but takes a lot of work making things from scratch). But you don’t get all three, at least not stuff people actually want to eat every night.

    I could, like my mother, eat tofu out of the box. But I won’t. I don’t even eat tofu in any of the supposedly delicious recipes I’ve seen and dismissed once they got to the T-word. They’re probably great, but I haven’t been that adventurous. I just keep seeing an image of my mother eating her plain tofu and my appetite goes away.

  7. modestypress Says:


    So far (though four years probably does not a trend make) RG eats very little and is very slim, so she may perhaps be the best counterweight, so to speak, as she can probably safely handle ten of the 20 pounds that concern you.


    #1. Your comment reminds me of the old maxim of service businesses (my wife and I having suffered in one): Good, Fast, Cheap–pick the two you want.

    #2 A person (who will remain nameless here), once suggested to me that soy may help contribute to people becoming homosexual by messing up their hormonal balances (or some such).

    Did this contribute to Random Daughter ending up living with another woman?

    a) My wife is strogly allergic to soy protein, so tofu and other soy products were never consumed in our household. b) My daughter and her partner are rather averse to calling themselves “lesbians.” It’s not a matter of much concern to me one way or the other, but I would tend to describe them as two women who fell in love with each other while sharing a dorm room. My final conclusion therefore is that Oberlin college turns perfectly sensible young women into lesbians.

  8. vroni1208 Says:

    This was hilarious! I’m ready for the challenge! I like to think my cooking methods come from my mother, who had to feed 5 children, as well as my dad and herself, on VERY modest means. We weren’t poor, but let’s just say that when there was a cookout, the kids got to eat rolled up tortillas that had the juices of the meat on them, but no meat. Thanksgiving was the only time we got to load up, what with turkey being 5 cents a lb! We’ll not starve while I’m on the job! 🙂

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