Creeping Slowly

October 16, 2008

I have been trying to think through the “Shearwear for David” program I recently proposed.First, I propose paying David with small, unmarked bills. In my case, I don’t know David’s real name. (I think this applies to most of my readers as well.) The advantage to me is that I won’t have to worry about writing checks. I suggest you follow the same policy.

David will not have to worry about opening a checking account under an assumed name or setting up “David Rochester” as an “Assumed Business Name.” (If you insist on writing him checks, he might need to set up a “DBA (Doing Business As) account to distinguish himself from the David Rochester who is a Performance Traffic Coordinator in Los Angeles, or the Dr. Rochester who is a radiologist in Illinois, even the David Rochester one who is a not very well-known actor who performed in a movie called the Jigsaw of Life. As David has crippling stage fright, confusion here might lead for him to get calls to try out for roles in Hollywood movies.(Unless he is going to be cast as “The Elephant Man,” he would probably find such calls very stressful.)

Also, if David starts getting money in the mail, he will have to consider tax consequences. I am sure David will handle this matter properly, but the method I suggest will provide him with the greatest flexibility in this matter, which I am sure he will exercise properly.

Second, choose a frequency. In my case, I consider I easily get a dollar’s worth of value out of David’s blogs each week, so I plan to pay him a dollar a week. However, to send a dollar a week is a little inefficient, so I will probably accumulate four dollar bills and then send four bills together month’s payment. (Again, assuming he some day provides me with a post office box address.) You may want to use a different frequency. Perhaps a dollar a month. Perhaps a dollar a day. Perhaps a dollar a minute. Only you know what reading David’s posts are worth to you.

Third, I suggest indicating to David how you want him to use the money. I suggested catnip for his cats.

David is currently undergoing brain surgery with his therapist Debbie. Most of the people who read his blog have helpful suggestions for David, and may think as they make suggestions to David, After all, David, this isn’t brain surgery (for example, realizing that he is not terribly repulsive) but when your brain is divided up into a variety of personalities, as David’s is, the treatment really IS brain surgery., and the costs add up surprisingly quickly.

Helpful as everyone’s suggestions to David are, perhaps it would be most helpful to help him pay for the brain surgery. Also, the brain surgery is very painful, and at times David is reluctant to continue it. If you are helping him to pay for it, he may feel obligated to continue with the brain surgery. For that matter, if you are helping pay for his blog writing, he will feel obligated to continue writing.

Jane has mentioned that even if he ends his life, his posts may continue to appear. Certainly this is in the realm of possibility. As I mentioned, such a hypothesis is consistent with many folk legends (such as the Legend of the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow) about ghosts returning to the scene of a violent death. Nevertheless, I am a cautious person, and I prefer to bet on relatively sure things, such as the author of a blog I like to read remaining alive rather than depending on him violating the usual constraints of time and energy, not to mention life and death. I’m pretty square and something of a stick in the mud in that regard.



19 Responses to “Creeping Slowly”

  1. truce Says:

    I don’t feel that we should encourage the testing of that particular hypothesis, so I’m with you.

  2. David Rochester Says:

    OK, Mr. R …

    4803 SE Woodstock, #202
    Portland OR 97206

    If addressed to David Rochester, I’m sure it will arrive safely; I’ve recieved mail from editing clients at that address, under my Rochester name.

  3. modestypress Says:

    I am about to head home. One of the first tasks I will do when I get home is address an envelope, put a stamp on it, and put some money in it.

    On my way to the ferry tomorrow, I will mail my envelope.

    There is a “hole in the bucket” aspect to all this. If David continues in his current course, his posts of sorrow, angst, loneliness, and despair should be bringing in thousands of dollars a month by January of next year.

    With such support, and so many resources, David will be cured by middle of next year. All his Alternates will merge with one giant spectacular SNAP! David will smile and have fun, and there will be no more miserable posts.

    Oh, well, I’m counting my smashed eggs before the carton has fallen off the table. I will go home and address the envelope. One step at a time.

    Also, my stock portfolio is up 5% for the day.

    “And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
    Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
    O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!’
    He chortled in his joy

    One Jabberwock at a time.

  4. David Rochester Says:

    I think you’re actually serious about this, in which case, I should perhaps assist you in promoting it more widely. 🙂 I know I have at least 90 regular readers; at a buck a week, my therapy would be paid for. What a weird thought that actually is. And what a pitch: A dollar a week might save David’s life!

  5. modestypress Says:

    I am serious. Just because I joke around does not mean that I am never serious.

    I will be babysitting Random Granddaughter on November 11.

    For everyone who pledges by that date, I will tell RG that you are a good person and she should eat a wholesome snack in your honor. I will also hold Sylvie, the world’s sweetest cat in my lap and pet her many times and tell her to purr in your honor.

    You can’t get much better carma and catma than that.

  6. David Rochester Says:

    I think you’re right … that’s as much universal resonance as one person can probably handle. Especially if RG eats the snack without complaint.

  7. loriaustex Says:

    I’m in. At least for sumpin’; if not enough to keep David’s cats in catnip, perhaps to keep them in an extra kitty treat or two.

    That said, given all of David’s personae, could we postulate that he has gone beyond shareware into something like “share!/where?” or, even further, into open-source personae creation?

    Linus Torvalds, watch out…

  8. pandemonic Says:

    Can someone send me some money as well? I can use it for my cat, I promise.

  9. modestypress Says:

    What’s it worth to you, pandemonic, for me to raise money for you?

    And then, how do I explain it to my wife?

  10. I’m so pledged! yay! purrs AND snack-eating and David compiling himself? awesome…

  11. Oh — if I send extra, can RG eat brownies for me? Preferably with nuts? I have someone else eating brownies for me, but I find it insufficient. I need more brownies than that.

  12. modestypress Says:

    RG is very good with brownies. In fact, a brownie alone in a room with RG is rather like a mouse in a room with a cat.

    One minute it’s there…the next minute it’s dashing here and there trying to escape, but there is no place to hide.

    Nuts provide the poor brownie with no assistance whatsoever. RG’s best friend Mia is allergic to nuts; RG nobly volunteers to take Mia’s nuts as well.

    RG has learned to pick up Sylvie properly. She carries Sylvie here and there, crooning, “I love you Sylvie.”

    Imagine a small mostly black with a little white cat with a look of amazing patience on her face. Much like the cat I just saw in a video on your blog.

  13. modestypress Says:


    If you are still around reading comments on comments…

    Some people act like open-source personae and others act as if they were stamped out of the personae factory.

  14. I am a green hand-crafted artisan personae, with the attendant flaws normative to this type of personae. Crafted in a cunningly reconstructed Southern city by ethnic artisans, please note the recurrent book, pepper, and cat motifs.

  15. modestypress Says:

    I am about to go home through dark Seattle rain. Tomorrow, I will clumsily swing a maul at logs to split some firewood, like Honest Abe.

  16. modestypress Says:

    That’s better. Genuine photograph of Lincoln as a young man. Another premium for those who pledge to tell the truth.

  17. truce Says:

    Aha, duly noted. I will address a kangaroo and send it to Portland forthwith.

  18. oooh, I want one… Sissy totally wants one too. If you send three kangaroos to the states I bet you could get a deal on shipping, truce.

  19. modestypress Says:

    Years ago I heard a tale on Canadian radio about someone at the Vancouver zoo who carried a baby kangaroo in an artificial pouch. The mother kangaroo had died but the zoo vets vowed to save the baby kangaroo.

    The foster mother found the baby roo very heavy and liable to kick her severel, but she persevered and the baby roo was eventually depouched successfully.

    I imagine this sort of thing happens all the time in Australia, does it not?

    Or do they just tie wallabies down, which sounds very kinky.

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