Pledge Premiums

October 17, 2008

Typical pledge drives have premiums. Subscribe to your public television station and we will send you a DVD of the most boring public television talking heads since 1950. (This fits my Headless Horseman theme.)

Not to be outdone, your public radio station offers Polka Haunt US: A spook-tacular Compilation. This is an actual CD, also available in MP3. Whatever happened to MP1 and MP2 and when do we get MP4? Well, never mind. Anyway this album is described thus:

“A compilation of different sub-genres of polka, coupled unexpectedly with various genres of World Music- from Klezmer to Folk; Metal to Country; Asian to Reggae, each song based on different spooky stories from around the globe.”

For a donation of $100, your public radio station will agree not to send this CD to your house and not to download the MPwhatever# to your computer.

So what are the premiums for David’s pledge drive?

On November 11, as I babysit Random Granddaughter, I will feed her snacks in your honor. Although David frets, “”Especially if RG eats the snack without complaint,” do not yourself fret. RG intends to live on snacks all her life. It is meals, such as family dinners, where RG whines to beat the band. Believe me; I will not try to dedicate dinner in your honor because I do not want to leave you cursed for life.

Also, as I pet Sylvie, my daughter’s small black with a little white cat, the most affectionate, kind, and lovable feline in the universe, who let RG pull her fur without complaining or scratching many times when RG was an infant, and who now lets RG carry her around like a lump of play-dough with nary a meow of complaint, and who sits in the lap of any stranger without demur and immediately starts purring, I will tell her to purr at the mention of your name. You will feel good Katma-Karma entering your bone marrow immediately the minute David opens the envelope and touches the money.

But that’s not all. THERE’S EVEN MORE!

I will offer you a coupon for $1 off any Pledge product if you pledge $1 to my pledge drive. Just click to take advantage of this special offer. (Don’t mention it to the SC Johnson company. I made this arrangement with a secret mole within the company. Official spokespeople will deny the SC Johnson Company has anything to do with my pledge drive. Whom do you believe: a large well-known international consumer products company or a guy on the Internet who calls himself “Random Name?”)


In fact, Pledge has a new product: Pledge® Protection Plus+

This product is very special. As the company informs us:

Adds a protective barrier so messes don’t stick

Three times easier to clean up compared to surfaces not treated with Pledge® Protection Plus+

Helps protect against spills, stains, and everyday wear

Removes up to 84% of allergens from dust mites and pet dander found in dust

No waxy buildup

As David is touch-phobic, perhaps you might want to send him a container of Pledge Protection Plus Plus. That way he can be especially sure no one gets close to him. And he will have no waxy buildup, despite all the virtual hugs caring readers of his blog sends him.

In my next report, I will tell you about the $100 pledge level premium.

6 Responses to “Pledge Premiums”

  1. David Rochester Says:

    Do I have to pledge to my own pledge drive to get Pledge Protection Plus? I really want some for everyday use.

  2. modestypress Says:

    No, you don’t have to pledge. Just use.

  3. I’m still excited about the purring and brownies.

  4. pandemonic Says:

    I really don’t like Pledge the product. Can I choose another?

  5. modestypress Says:

    My best friend where I work, Suzie, walked 60 miles in a weekend to raise money for fighting breast cancer. One of her best friends died of breast cancer. Her sister is currently being treated for breast cancer.

    A friend of hers walked the 60 miles with her. By the end of the walk, her friend’s feet were so swollen and blistered the friend could hardly walk to the end.

    Suzie, said, “They have people with stretchers to help those who can’t make it all the way. You did enough. Let them carry you the rest of the way.”

    Suzie’s friend is a civilian employee of a police department. She works in the vice division. Apparently a lot of cops she works with are creeps and when she asked them to make pledges to her they made nasty remarks about how she couldn’t go all they way.

    “I’m going to show those bastards,” he friend snarled as she limped to the end.

  6. How charming! I am so pleased that my Polka Haunt Us recording is finding such usefulness. I think this is the greatest compliment not yet paid to my sonic frankenstein.

    Please, continue not to listen to it, for surely a work such as this, which is on the current Grammy ballot, would not be worth your precious time or ear wax.

    Here are some of the reviews we’ve not gotten thus far:

    Odd Culture –
    NeverEndingWonder Blog:
    Let’s Polka Blog-

    Happy Haunting!


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