RG’s Day at the Zoo With Cherry Vile Prep (Part 12)

December 5, 2008

My wife had an innocent childhood. This is strange to me because her family was full of conflict and turmoil. Apparently she created a bubble of innocence around herself as a child. As a child, she was fond of her family’s dog, George, and she loved her personal cat, Perry, quite dearly. Perhaps George and Perry helped create the bubble of innocence around my wife when she was a child.When she became a teenager, reality began to leak into her bubble of innocence. Some of the experiences that caused leaks in her bubble of innocence included:

1) She met me [in a ludicrous fashion I already related].

2) She demonstrated independence toward her mother, a person of many good qualities, but a very insecure and easily threatened person, who reacted very badly to her “innocent” daughter starting to grow up. For example, she wore black pants, which her mother interpreted as beatnik behavior and rebellion.

3) She moved out of her mother’s house and into her own apartment and got a job as a file clerk [story of 2 and 3 still to be told].

4) She discovered the world is rather a nasty place, in part by watching the news, and became depressed.

5) She married me.

In general, my wife avoids getting depressed most of the time. As far as I can figure out, she is too ornery to get depressed. If I figure out a way to get a few hundred dollars not needed for our survival, I will buy her a chainsaw and a pellet rifle, providing a couple of outlets for her orneriness.

Also, she is a very aesthetically sensitive and tidy person. She arranges her environment to her satisfaction. Seeing beautiful things in order helps keep the glooms away.

Finally, she is always trying to keep me in order. This is a never-ending project, something like rolling a stone up a hill, and keeps her quite occupied. For example, she frequently notices that I disordered something, and tells me to put it back in its proper place.

On our honeymoon, my wife and I engaged in an activity that occasionally produces children. I confess producing a child was the last thing on our mind at the time. We even took precautions. Who would have thought we would have been so lucky?

We thought that we would produce a child who would have a happy childhood. Probably my daughter’s childhood qualified as close to Not that bad, which is probably as good as it gets.

11 Responses to “RG’s Day at the Zoo With Cherry Vile Prep (Part 12)”

  1. I am shocked to read that your wife rebelled through the wearing of black pants. Who knows of what other atrocities she might be capable?

  2. modestypress Says:

    I don’t know David. As soon as I get enough money, I will buy her a chainsaw and a pellet rifle appropriate for her size. My shareware contributions to you are perhaps the only factors protecting the trees and bunnies from a chain-saw wielding, gun-toting grandma. (I just mailed you another five dollars last night.) Keep on writing brilliant blog posts–you are the only person who can protect civilization.

  3. It’s a heavy responsibility, but I’ll try.

  4. pandemonic Says:

    Mrs. Random sounds like quite the woman, RN. I think I could be friends with her. I admire a woman who can handle both a chainsaw and a pellet gun.

  5. Pete Says:

    When you buy the chainsaw and rifle, be sure to buy a real hot looking BLACK outfit for her to wear. Preferably tight black leather! Maybe black fingernail polish to accessorize!

  6. modestypress Says:

    My wife’s dream is to somehow look as attractive and frightening as Linda Hamilton, Sigourney Weaver, and Kathleen Turner somehow combined into one deadly and beautiful woman.

    The rabbits thinking about sneaking into her garden would expire from terror just at the thought of her appearing on the scene.

  7. spectrum2 Says:

    I am glad that you write so sweetly of your wife. I cannot imagine what kind of man it talkes to write such kind words about his wife. Either you are a gem or she is or both, I suppose. I find it heartwarming that a husband can be so expressive of his feelings, especially in a public forum. How does your wife feel when she reads these posts?

  8. modestypress Says:

    I have said this to my wife in an affectionate way. She is a sweet-loving wife and grandmother, and she is a person who yells at me, “I see a rabbit outside the garden! Get the gun!”

    One day when she was home alone, she found a rabbit in the garden and killed it by throwing rocks at it and stomping it to death.

    She likes to watch sweet chick flicks and she also likes to watch Linda Hamilton in Terminator and Sigourney Weaver in Alien.

    Where we live in the country is very quiet and peaceful, but we know there are meth labs and drug dealers out in the nice peaceful country.

    If an intruder came to our door, I would probably be reacting slowly while my wife grabbed a knife out of the kitchen drawer and stabbed him.

    People are complex beings. Years ago, in Portland, OR, I was working with a very nice woman from North Carolina. One day my wife came to work and happened to talk for a few minutes with my co-worker. The next day, she said to me, “I really enjoyed talking with your wife. She is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest person I have ever met.”

    I was struck speechless. My wife is a very polite person. She is also a very fierce person. The two traits are not necessarily in contradiction to each other.

  9. I’m with Pan, I think your wife and I would get on very well. In college, when I was finally given access to firearms, I shot 290 out of 300 with a rifle. I earned anytime entry to the ROTC armory (since LFC doesn’t talk about stuff like that, you’ll never see anything about this in my blog) and used to go there anytime I got riled and check out a pistol and ammo and shoot till I couldn’t hold my arms up.

    People think I’m sweet and gentle and kind too. 🙂

  10. modestypress Says:


    There is a reason cats have claws and teeth.

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