Global Warming Winter Olympics

February 17, 2010

I hate the Olympics. I once watched it with fascination and enjoyment, but when I see Olympia walk into the bar, I feel like getting up and walking out. Except, I was at the gym, and the event went a little differently than I expected.

George: “Greetings! This is George Snow Snorkle broadcasting from British Columbia for the all-commercials Winter Olympics/Global Warming/Canada has egg all over its face/British Columbia declares bankruptcy/Olympic coverage. We have a remote broadcast from our remote location correspondent, Eman Modnar. Eman, please come in and describe your environment.”

Eman: “It’s a pleasant spring day at my gym, George. I am watching the Spring Olympics on two monitors while I work out on the cross-trainer.”

George: “What event are you watching right now, Eman?”

Eman: “I am watching a commercial. Isn’t this the all-commercial Olympics? Drink beer and stay in shape? No, wait…I think they are showing a few seconds of an event. A bunch of cross-country skiers are throwing themselves down in the snow and shooting! This is exciting!

“It looks like the leading competitor is a Swede. Well,Sweden is famous for being neutral and peace-loving, so it makes sense that a shooting Swede on skis is winning.”

George: “What are they shooting at?”

Eman: “It looks as if they are shooting at a hockey game. Why not? Who cares about a bunch of brutes skating around and crashing into each other and pummeling each other with sticks? Some of the hockey players are dressed in red—they seem to be Russians. And some of them are in red, white, and blue—I bet those are Yankees. Look at that! Look at how they are crashing into each other—looks like the cold war isn’t really over. [Camera cuts away and mike is cut off until remote correspondent gets control of himself and his excessive mirthiness.]

“Wait! Wait! These are women! Who knew? Who knew there were female hockey players? Are they all butch or something! Hey, the biatholonners might as well shoot them. I don’t want to see a female athlete unless she is in a bikini and dancing on ice.

“OK, they’ve switched from the biathlon to the down-hill racers, Here they come! Well, at least here come some body parts. OK, they’re back to commercials. And counting countries and medals. I must say, the modern winter Olympics aren’t anything like the ancient Viking winter Olympics. Give me a Norseman with an ice ax in his hand any time. As I always say, give me a lunge rather than a luge.

George: “Thank you, Eman. Don’t call us; we’ll call you…for the global warming Olympics.”

6 Responses to “Global Warming Winter Olympics”

  1. Pete Says:

    Wow! Sombody forget to take their happy pill this morning?? :+> Actually I can’t make fun of you because what you say is basically true. The olympics are not like they sued to be. Quite frankly I have no symbathy for the network loosing their shorts on the deal. That makes two of us that refuse to be brainwashed! I loved the part about the peace loving sweedes shooting the hockey players!

    • modestypress Says:

      I had a very happy pill, this morning. For one thing, I am not a citizen of British Columbia, a province whose bill for falling for the Olympic Committee “put on a sports party” swindle has risen from “only” 1 BILLION dollars to over $6 BILLION DOLLARS. That’s more money, I think, then Random Granddaughter’s best friend in kindergarten, the heiress, has in her piggy bank.

  2. Norwichrocks Says:

    6 Billion dollars?? Are they quite mad?

    Most of these people would take part in these sports anyway, even without all that money, because they love it, so why the enormous jamboree?

    I haven’t watched a second of it so far and I doubt I’ll see any more of it any time soon.

    And don’t even start me on the London 2012 Olympics…

    • modestypress Says:

      Are they quite mad?

      Of course.

      I haven’t watched a second of it…

      Neither have many of the people who purchased tickets, as the snow is melting under their feet. Also, people who wanted to take pictures of each other next to the Olympic Cauldron (to use in future divorce proceedings) are not able to because it is fenced off, so they can watch politicians posing next to the cauldron and getting their pictures taken. Stay tuned for the Olympic riots.

      And don’t even start me on the London 2012 Olympics…

      If you start now, you might be able to win one of the running events. I suppose that might be considered cheating, but hey…this is the Olympics…

  3. Maxine Says:

    Well, I still like the Olympics. I just watch the games and the sport, that’s all.

  4. David Says:

    The end bit about the hockey players cracked me up.

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