I haven’t figured out what to do for David in July. I may send a great white shark to his house to tell him to get his act together. However, while the shark is looking for a place to park, David may be able to escape. In the meantime, to encourage David to keep living and keep posting his entertaining blogs, make a shareware contribution to him at the address listed below.

Send your contributions in small, unmarked bills, to

“David Rochester”

4803 SE Woodstock, #202

Portland OR 97206

I

However, David’s cat, Little Liu, will defend him against the great white. In a battle between a great white shark and Little Liu, which would win? Send your answer to David, wrapped in a $5 bill.

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Creeping Slowly

October 16, 2008

I have been trying to think through the “Shearwear for David” program I recently proposed.First, I propose paying David with small, unmarked bills. In my case, I don’t know David’s real name. (I think this applies to most of my readers as well.) The advantage to me is that I won’t have to worry about writing checks. I suggest you follow the same policy.

David will not have to worry about opening a checking account under an assumed name or setting up “David Rochester” as an “Assumed Business Name.” (If you insist on writing him checks, he might need to set up a “DBA (Doing Business As) account to distinguish himself from the David Rochester who is a Performance Traffic Coordinator in Los Angeles, or the Dr. Rochester who is a radiologist in Illinois, even the David Rochester one who is a not very well-known actor who performed in a movie called the Jigsaw of Life. As David has crippling stage fright, confusion here might lead for him to get calls to try out for roles in Hollywood movies.(Unless he is going to be cast as “The Elephant Man,” he would probably find such calls very stressful.)

Also, if David starts getting money in the mail, he will have to consider tax consequences. I am sure David will handle this matter properly, but the method I suggest will provide him with the greatest flexibility in this matter, which I am sure he will exercise properly.

Second, choose a frequency. In my case, I consider I easily get a dollar’s worth of value out of David’s blogs each week, so I plan to pay him a dollar a week. However, to send a dollar a week is a little inefficient, so I will probably accumulate four dollar bills and then send four bills together month’s payment. (Again, assuming he some day provides me with a post office box address.) You may want to use a different frequency. Perhaps a dollar a month. Perhaps a dollar a day. Perhaps a dollar a minute. Only you know what reading David’s posts are worth to you.

Third, I suggest indicating to David how you want him to use the money. I suggested catnip for his cats.

David is currently undergoing brain surgery with his therapist Debbie. Most of the people who read his blog have helpful suggestions for David, and may think as they make suggestions to David, After all, David, this isn’t brain surgery (for example, realizing that he is not terribly repulsive) but when your brain is divided up into a variety of personalities, as David’s is, the treatment really IS brain surgery., and the costs add up surprisingly quickly.

Helpful as everyone’s suggestions to David are, perhaps it would be most helpful to help him pay for the brain surgery. Also, the brain surgery is very painful, and at times David is reluctant to continue it. If you are helping him to pay for it, he may feel obligated to continue with the brain surgery. For that matter, if you are helping pay for his blog writing, he will feel obligated to continue writing.

Jane has mentioned that even if he ends his life, his posts may continue to appear. Certainly this is in the realm of possibility. As I mentioned, such a hypothesis is consistent with many folk legends (such as the Legend of the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow) about ghosts returning to the scene of a violent death. Nevertheless, I am a cautious person, and I prefer to bet on relatively sure things, such as the author of a blog I like to read remaining alive rather than depending on him violating the usual constraints of time and energy, not to mention life and death. I’m pretty square and something of a stick in the mud in that regard.